Checkmate

In a game of chess, with me on one side and the big bad world on the other,

To make me feel tiny and lost, the intimidating opponent did make sure.

“Checkmate!” It declared malevolently

With an evil gleam in its eyes and a condescending smirk.

There was nothing I could say or nothing I could do

Feeling trapped in a deadlock I couldn’t see through.

Hopelessness and despair were the only emotions I could feel,

Living with a constant ache which nothing could heal.

Waking up every morning already wishing for the day to end,

Each day I questioned the very purpose of my existence.

While the world appeared to be on a joyous roller-coaster ride

With balloons, unicorns, rainbows, and sunshine,

I felt being pushed head-first into an unfathomable tunnel

With a deep, dark and never-approaching end.

I would pause, rewind and play my life many times in head,

But would always fail to notice the exact moment

At which I started descending the downward spiral.

Why was I going through all the pain? Why me?

Were the questions I had no answers to.

Stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions inside

I still looked perfectly normal for the world to see,

Since I hid myself behind a cheery façade

And wore a mask of indifference with ease.

Laying out my heart in the open for people around me to see

Wasn’t an option for me, ‘cause I feared facing those judgmental eyes

And abhorred hearing it time and again – “It’s all in your head”,

“There’s no such thing, and will power is what you need.”

Spilling out my innermost emotions and deepest fears

For psychiatrists and therapists to dissect and tear

Was indeed my biggest fear, for I couldn’t come to terms

With the prospect of hearing them vocalize that daunting fact.

The fact that I was mentally ill.

A fact, which the society had instructed me over the years,

To stamp with a label spelling out ‘abnormal’.

In the end, all it took was

A mother’s warm embrace conveying a thousand emotions

A father’s reassuring voice which said “We’re there for you”

Words convincing enough to goad me into seeking help

Words which promised that things would turn out just fine

Words of encouragement which made me want to try again

Words which restored all of my shattered confidence.

And then did I spot it – a tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel.

-Written by Sindhuri Sriraman

Photographed by Sanketh Mohanty